Parenting Upwards

Do you struggle to connect with your parents? Does it feel like you’re doing the emotional labour for one or both of you? Maybe for the whole family?

It sounds like you’re parenting upwards and trust me, you’re not alone. 

Managing Upwards: Hard Mode

In the corporate world, managing upwards means putting a senior’s needs first to build stronger rapport. When done well, it can really work. But holding that kind of care and patience when dealing with someone who has power over you can be frustrating and exposing.

And then there’s parenting upwards—where that frustration and vulnerability gets dialed up to 11.

Frustration Generation

I’m a millennial, so are a lot of my friends, and many of us have had the privilege to develop some kind of self-reflective practice, be that psychotherapy, journaling, or otherwise. 

I also have a few Xer and Boomer friends who show me that that kind of practice isn’t restricted by age. But that’s also a little infuriating—because then what’s stopping my parents?

And why, if I want an emotionally rich and connected relationship with them, do I have to be the grown-up in the room? 

The Pivot

I’ve found a lot of answers to that question. Among them, the reminder that my parents, and those of my peers, walked so we could run. They didn’t have these opportunities - the ones they created for us: to heal, to explore, and to return home to ourselves.

But more than any answer, real progress for me came when I changed the question.

It’s not why do I have to do it?

But rather,

If I do it, what might I stand to gain?

Next time one parent belittles the other, what would happen if, instead of shouting them down, shaming their behaviour, or dismissing them, I instead asked how they’d arrived at that position? Maybe they wouldn’t feel so defensive, maybe they’d start asking themselves that. 

And, if that’s worth gaining, how can I do it?

Reflecting on your own relationships, where are some places you could try a different approach? You might have already imagined some - a healthy take on winning arguments later in the shower.

The Practice

In my experience, it’s not a single tool but an ongoing practice: learning to stay calm, stay mindful, and stay grounded. And when that’s not possible, stay compassionate and curious toward yourself.

Mindfulness meditation and journaling are powerful allies for me. The former, when practiced consistently, can buy me a few precious seconds between being triggered by my parents and the reactive script I’m used to running. 

And in those seconds, with a little grace, I can look past their behaviour and be curious about what’s going on within them to cause it. Or maybe I reflect and see that their intention doesn’t match the reaction I’m having.

Journaling comes after. It’s a way to reflect on those moments, to explore what wounded part of myself I was trying to protect with that reaction - whether I managed to choose a different script or not. 

The Payoff

On the days I do manage it, something radical happens: I’m able to meet them with compassion and curiosity, even if they’re running a script that’s hurt me in the past, and sometimes, the script changes. 

It changes because instead of telling them how to be different, I’m modelling how we can be different with each other. Meeting them with my own calm invites theirs, and suddenly we’re thinking people together instead of dysregulated actors stuck in a play we don’t even remember writing.

It takes time and practice; I’m still running the script most times I see them, but occasionally we glimpse another story. 

Try it. Next time your parents trigger you, take a moment after to note what was said or done and how you felt. Mapping these meanings is a first step to recognising them when they re-emerge and maybe buying yourself a second or two to challenge them and invite the possibility for a different story. 

A Word on Walking Away…

What might I gain from this? is a powerful question.

But sometimes the answer to that question is Nothing worth having. 

Some of you have very good reasons for not re-engaging or trusting re-engagement with parents or caregivers, and that is your call to make. 

Compassion for oneself means avoiding situations you know to be dangerous or abusive, and honouring your relationship with yourself above any sense of obligation to those who do not honour you. That’s also a part of reparenting, for yourself.